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HUMOUR



A SELECTION GLEANED FROM HERE AND THERE INCLUDING MY EMAIL


fun balloon-1 fun balloon-2 fun balloon-3 fun balloon-4

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Garrison Keillor

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children." --author unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that, it's called everybody, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard, it's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

"My mum said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'mum, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'duh.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, 'Oh my god.... I could be eating a slow learner.'" --Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Scotland became populated. A bunch of people in Ireland said, "This place is great but it just isn't cold enough, let's go north and east."

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is god's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember, in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that - do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
br> "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many, monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of congress...but I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --Whitney Brown

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

Video: Lucky (410kB)

(Allow time for Windows Media Player to load)

A plane is on its' way to New York when a blonde in tourist class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The stewardess watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for tourist class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm staying right here! "The stewardess goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blond bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in tourist and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for tourist she will have to leave first class and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'mbeautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde bitch that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the tourist section. The stewardess and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. He replied, "I simply told her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting, I'm a woman... wow! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from god that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from god!" The woman continued, "and look at this - here's another miracle, my car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely god wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handed it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "no, I think I will just wait for the police..."

Two Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car.They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the front of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Oh dear!" shouts Sister Marilyn, "what shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. Switch on the windshield washer, I filled it up with holy water in the vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the *&^% off our car!"

A man who worked in a large factory was stopped on his way out every night as he wheeled out a wheelbarrow full of straw. Each night the suspicious security guard would sift through the straw to make sure the employee wasn't stealing, each night he found nothing but straw. Years later the man was retiring and as he left the guard said that he knew he was stealing something all these years, what was it. The retiree answered "wheelbarrows."

Many of us "old folks" (those over 50 or hovering over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers inflict upon the world. So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do not go together: haircut
1. a nose ring and bifocals
2. spiked hair and bald spots
3. a pierced tongue and dentures
4. miniskirts and support hose
5. ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. speedos and cellulite
7. a belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. bikinis and liver spots
11. short shorts and varicose veins
12. in-line skates and a walking frame

Video: Dumb Lucky (432kB)

The following are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for
a rhym with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

seagulls

1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

2. Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
damn, I'm good at telling lies!

getting worse 8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
       Marrying you screwed up my life

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
      That's why I always wake up screaming

10. My love, you take my breath away.
        What have you stepped in to smell this way

11. My feelings for you no words can tell,
        Except for maybe "go to hell"

12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
        Two parts vodka, one part lime.

SPOTTED:
In a toilet of a london office:
    Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

In a laundromat:
    Automatic washing machines: Pease remove all your clothes when the light goes out

In a london department store:
    Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office:
     Would the person who took the step-ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken

In an office:
    After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

Outside a secondhand shop:
    We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Notice in health food shop window:
    Closed due to illness

Spotted in a safari park:
    Elephants please stay in your car

Seen during a conference:
    For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor

Notice in a field:
    The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

Message on a leaflet:
    If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons

On a repair shop door:
    We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)


notice 2


back to top of page.

FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RIGHT:
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

notice 1 One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
      and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat
;is cats, not cose.

notice 3 We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
;but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it, English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
english muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted.
but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

notice 4 Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends,
but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught,
why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking english
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.


In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which:
Your house can burn up as it burns down;
in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

   ~author unknown~

good advice

JUST KEEP LOOKING STRAIT AHEAD AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT





THE TEST:
The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as
possible for her college class and the instructions were that it had to
discuss religion, sexuality and mystery. She was the only one who received
an a+ and this is what she wrote:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it".


NOW THAT I AM OLDER HERE IS WHAT I HAVE DISCOVERED:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If god wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...

    ST.TESCO
    (Tesco is a super-market chain in the UK)
Nowadays we worship at Saint Tesco,
At first the neighbours seemed a little shocked,
But then, Saint Tesco's doors are always open,
Whereas Saint Cuthbert's doors are always locked.
It's hard to get to know the congregation,
And the vicar isn't actually ordained,
They haven't got a pulpit or a chancel,
But they've got enormous windows, and they're stained.
looroll
I'm glad we're in the parish of Saint Tesco,
I feel so happy walking down the isle,
The Reverend was rather gloomy,
But the check-out girls have always got a smile,
Their uniform is anything but dreary,
It's polyester cotton, and it's striped,
Pretty tunes come floating down from Heaven,
It isn't organ music, but it's piped.

Thank heaven I converted to Saint Tesco,
I find the new religion suits me fine,
It's altogether younger than Saint Cuthbert's,
Where the congregation all look ninety-nine,
The vicar used to talk about the prophets,
But he didn't mean the same as you or I,
He couldn't hold a candle to Saint Tesco,
And anyway his steeple's not as high.

Sometimes I dream I'm sitting in Saint Cuthberts,
In the old pew where water always dripped,
I can smell the incense sweetly burning,
And the rising damp that flourished in the crypt,
Today no candles twinkle in the window,
And no confetti lingers at the gate,
No more blushing brides and bouncing babies,
Verily. It's past it's sell-by date.
loo

But business is booming at Saint Tesco's,
The worshippers are spending more and more,
They're getting such a throng on Sunday morning,
That they are going to reinforce the floor,
Frankly, its been a revalation,
On Sundays now we relish going out,
And seeing all that inexpensive lager,
Has made my husband so much more devout.

They're stripping out the timber at Saint Cuthbert's,
It dosen't earn enough to pay it's keep,
They ought to take a lesson from Saint Tesco,
And learn to pile it high and sell it cheap,
Some ladies still are singing in the choir,
Of the earth they will inherit if they're meek,
But Saint Tesco have on high the voices of angels,
Wih all the special offers for the week!

Yet sometime in the busy supermarket,
Above the merry ringing of the till,
I fancy I can hear the church bell ringing,
From Saint Cuthbert's on the hill,
The bell has gone, the roof, the stained glass windows,
I dare say it's a merciful release,
For nowadays we worship at Saint Tesco,
It's closing time Saint Cuthbert;
Rest in peace.

Video: Real Lucky (598kB)

SAFE FAX GUIDE-LINES
    Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
    A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many
          single people who fax complete strangers every day.

    Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young,
          and had to write memos to each other until they were 21.
          How old do you think someone should be before they fax?
    A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you can learn
          the correct procedures.

    Q. If I fax something to myself, will i go blind?
    A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.

    Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay
          to fax. Is this legal?
    A. yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax
         drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to
          fax becomes too great.

    Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
    A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a
          cover should be used to ensure safe faxing.

    Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I
           fax prematurely?
    A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they
          haven't faxed in a long time. just start over (most
          people don't mind if you try again).

    Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions
          become mixed up?
    A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use
          a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're
          not supposed to.

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin." This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. she responded: "My first husband was a sales representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be. My second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation. My third husband was from field services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically ok, but couldn't get the system up. My fourth husband was from educational services, and you know the old saying - 'those who can, do; those who can't, teach.' My fifth husband was from the telemarketing department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver. My sixth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. My seventh husband was from finance and administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. My eighth husband was from standards and regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it. My ninth husband was a marketing manager. Even though he had the product he just wasn't sure how to position it. My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was ... - god i miss him! so now i've married you, and I'm really excited." "Why is that," asked the lawyer. "Well, it should be obvious! you're a lawyer!! I just know i'm going to get screwed this time!

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named administratium (ad). This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causesone reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "critical mess."

WATSON YOU IDIOT!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute - "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that god is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."

"OLD" IS WHEN .......
Your sweetie says, "let's go upstairs and ," make love and you answer, "honey, I can't do both!"
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you are barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go as well.
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS:
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hey George say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one oftheir multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. The company demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark - $1 Knowing where to put it - $49,999

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both ?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

          WHAT IS A GRAND MOTHER- by an 8-year old:
A Grandmother is a lady who has no children of her own so she likes other people's little girls and boys. A Grandfather is a man grandmother. He goes for walks with the boys and they talk about computers and tractors.
Grandmothers don't have to do anything but be there. They are old so they should not play hard or run. They should never say 'Hurry up'. usually they are fat but not too fat to tie children's shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear and they take their teeth and gums off.
They do't have to be smart, only answer questions like why dogs hate cats and why God isn't married. They don't talk baby-talk like visitors. When they read to us they don't skip bits or mind if it is the same syory over again. Everybody should have one, especially if your television is not working because Grandmothers are the only grown-ups who have the time.

          The following was apparently written (1800) by an usher at a boys school as a model for a 'young gentleman' to let his parents know that he would be home for Christmas:
It is possible to verbally declare the sublimity of satisfaction which I experience in the fond antisipation of passing that period of temporal abstraction from scolastic attention ordinarily cognominated the Vacation, or as marking the diurnal sanctimonious employment usually directed, emphatically appellated holidays; therefore in simple and humble dictates I inform you, that the recess is fixed for the 23rd of the present duo-decimal division of the Annual Solar Revulutions: then shall I hope to experience all those domicillary delectations usually attendant on that periodical festivity, conjuncated with the hilarities of those with whom I am enfraternally connected. Then those vians vaporially affecting our olfactory organs with their salubrious effuvia and our stomachs with their invigorating influence will be abundantly devoured, whether consisting of terrefacted or bulliated quadupedal carmous substance, the more delicate fibres of the Volant aerial inhabitants, or the submarine piscatory residents - concluding with those heterogeneous compositions called puddings, aided by the exilarating effects of vinous librations!
                    Translation: "Home 23rd. Can't wait to party".
(From Family tree Magazine - UK)

A newly wed couple viewed a house in the country and decided to buy it. After having viewed the house they suddenly remembered that they had not noticed a "WC" so they wrote to the vicar, who had shown them around, asking if he knew where it was. Being "bum ignorant" of the term "WC" he thought they meant Wesleyan Chapel, so imagine their surprise when he wrote:
    I regret delay in answering your letter but the nearest WC in this area is 7 miles away from the house. This is rather unfortuate if you are in the habit of going regularly. However it may please you to know that some people take lunch and make a day of it. By the way, it is made to seat 300 people and the committee have decided to fit plush seats to ensure greater comfort. Some go by train, others who can spare the time, walk and often get only there just in time. There are special facilities for the ladies; presided over by the Vicar who gives all the assistance in his power while the children all sit together and sing during the procedings.
Hoping this will be useful to you, Yours etc ...
P.S. Hymn Sheets are provided and are hanging behind the door.

QUICKIES:
Did you hear about the Jewish kamikaze pilot who crashed his plane in his brothers scrap yard?
When is the best time to sell an Irishman a plot of land? When the tide is out.
What is an unorthodox jew? - a Nazi.

notice

THE PENSIONERS TEA DANCE
It's the sunday tea dance and they'll all be here today,
Aches and pains forgotten, dance the afternoon away.
Foxtrots, quicksteps, waltzes, some are slow but some still nifty
With memories of how it was way back in 1950.
Norman's in the toilet and he's struggling to pee,
He's got trouble with his prostate and he'll likely miss his tea.
Eddy's got a new love that he met in Thornton Heath,
She does a lovely tango, but she hasn't any teeth.
His latest fancy footwork nearly broke his partner's neck,
She mistook his outside swivel for a travelling contra check.
Ida's had her hair done and she's ready for the saunter,
She had a vindaloo last night and it's coming back to haunt her.
Florrie's mini-skirt's revealing when she's spinning in the jive.
She really shouldn't wear a thong, approaching 85.
They've had their tea and cake and chat,enjoyed a little laugh
And gamely rise with creaking knees to face the second half.
Norman's made it back in time for rhumba number one,
His cucaracha's very neat, but he's left his flies undone.
Vera's fallen over in a massive crimplene heap,
Bert's got indigestion and mabel's fast asleep.
It's last waltz time and up they get for Humperdink's old tune
And then, "goodbye, good luck, take care, God willing see you soon'
- From the CSPA magazine.

Video: Holy Crap Lucky (877kB)

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain,
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know
Is what tells each one where to go!
- From the CSPA magazine.

WHY? WHY !
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the weather is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation
Can you cry under water?
What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change They're still going to see you naked anyway?

terrorist


- From the CSPA magazine:
THOUGHTS
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.


Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case..coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular statement of a horizontal desire.

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;

To steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

*
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbith?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet sweet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really gives a thit..."
*
A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 50.
A computer was somethig on TV,
From a Science Fiction show of note,
A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the father of a goat.


Meg was the name of my girl friend,
And gig was a job for the night,
Now they all mean different things,
And that realy mega bytes.


An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show,
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano.


Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account,
And if you had a 3 inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.


Compress was somethig you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file,
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.


Log on was adding wood to the fire,
Hard drive was a trip on the road,
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode.


Cut you did with your pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue,
A web was a spiders home,
And a virus was the 'flu.


I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they'll wish they were dead.

[Unknown. From CSPA Magazine No. 220).

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WHAT SENIOR CITIZENS ARE WORTH.
Did you know that we old folk are worth a fortune? We have silver in our hair, gold in our teeth, stones in our kidneys, lead in our feet and gas in our stomachs! Frankly, I have become a frivolous old women! I am seeing six gentlemen every day! As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me out of bed, then I get to see Jimmy Riddle and then it's time for breakfast with Mr Kellogg followed closely by the refreshing company of Mr Tetley or my other friend who I only know by his initials - PG! Then comes someone I don't like at all- Arthur Itis - he knows he isot welcome, but he insists on being here, and what is more, he stays for the rest of the day. Even then he does not like to stay in one place; so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a hectic day I am gladto get to bed (and with Johny Walker too)! What a hectic life! Oh yes, I am now flirting with Al Zhelmer! thw vicar came to call the other day and said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. So I told him I did all the time. For, no matter where I am, the bedroom, the kitchen, the sitting room or the garden I ask myself, 'Now what am I here after?' Well I'll close now, and I hope that Will Power is your constant companion too, but do make sure that his friend Emma Royd does not creep up on you from behind! And watch out for the crafty one - Gerry Atric!

A little boy goes to his father and asks "daddy, how was I born?" The father answers "well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!" "Your mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared and said: you've got male!!!

HELPFUL HINTS FOR GETTING OLDER
Never read the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Ford.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.
Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita.

YOU MAY HAVE READ THE SCARE-MAIL ABOUT THE PERSON WHOSE KIDNEYS WERE STOLEN WHILE HE WAS UNDER ANAESTHETIC, THIS MAY OR MAY NOT BE TRUE - BUT READ ON:
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion. It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.

This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs... and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them! This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.

PS. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. There is one advantage I don't need to pick up baby to breast feed it - I just lean over the cot.

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an >eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, ."Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look short." Love, Grandma.

Jenny's husband, Fred, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set... She was astonished--something's up. It turns out that Fred had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it "We had a great dinner. Fred even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I ! really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Fred was too tired..."

A blind guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After sitting therefor a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
1. The bartender is a blonde woman.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
4. The lady sitting to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
5. I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude.
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a moment, shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 FRENCH prisoners."

CHOOSING A HUSBAND
There's a lesson to be learned from this story, Ladies!
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 -! These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 ? These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,013 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day !

THE OBEDIENT WIFE
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
"MARRIAGE PROPOSAL"
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and observes to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new?set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some?expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that?she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save?for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given h er. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra?
today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.




Video: Monkey with a death wish (6.29MB).


Da Bull
There were two sisters, one blond and one brunette, and they inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides to buy it. The man tells her he will sell it for $599, no less.
 After paying him she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I have bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word. "Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking she nods and says, " I want you to send her the word "comfortable"."

The operator shakes his head, "How is she going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive here to haul that bull back to the ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable"?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blond, The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ...

com-for-da-bul!


One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So God called one of the angels, and sent the angel to Earth, for a time.
When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel, and sent him to earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because he wanted to encourage them...give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?

'Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either'.


Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Grand Marais. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by the Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE! PART TWO:
Moments later Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hej, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!! PART THREE:
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head.
"First der was Sven with his budgie jumping.....
den Knut parrotshooting ....
and now Lars is hengliding.... .

From the CSPA mag:
Our home has got a resident,
Who seems quite out of place.
He's nowhere near to pension age,
He does not bear a trace.
He's far too smart and polished,
And quick of movement too,
He might have lost a faculty,
But surely that's not true.
When he was working for his keep,
He found his work did pall,
"Why slave away like this ?" he thought,
"1 need not work at all ".
1'11 move in with these ancient folk,
And learn to use my head,
Of food, there must be lots to spare,
And sofas for a bed.
Upon his cushion now stretched out,
Our "Socks" just sleeps and purrs.
Is even served his special food.
And not a voice- demurs.
(With appreciation to Mr R.G. Males o Winter's Park, Penrith}


BUTCH THE ROOSTER
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?


LAS VEGAS CASINOS and CATHOLICS
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino ! chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

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It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started...
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?


SUBJECT: THE WORLDS SHORTEST FAIRYTALE
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said,"NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END


A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant for the Government." says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business........
Now give me back my dog."

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'putering,
And I had to answer "yes."

He told me to get off my butt
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night.
<>

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.


Picking a New Primary Care Physician:

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit"

GOODWILL TO MEN - GIVE US YOUR MONEY - Pam Ayres.
(Recite with an Oxfordshire accent).

It was Christmas Eve on a Friday
The shops was full of cheer,
With tinsel in the windows
And presents twice as dear.
A thousand Father Christmases
Sat I their little huts,
And folk was buying crackers
And folk was buying nuts.

All up and down the country,
Before the light was snuffed,
Turkeys they got murdered
And cockerels they got stuffed,
Christmas cakes got marzipanned,
And puddin's they got steamed,
Mothers they got desperate,
And tired kiddies screamed.

Hundredweights of Christmas cards
Went flying through the post,
With first class stamps on those
You had to flatter most,
Within a million kitchens
Mince pies was being made,
On everybody's radio
"White Christmas" it was played.

Out in the frozen country side
Men crept round on their own
Hacking off the holly
What other folk had grown
. Mistletoe in willow trees
Was by a man Wrenched clear
So he could kiss his neighbours wife
He'd fancied all the year.

And out upon the hillside
Where Christmas trees had stood
All was completely barren
But for little stumps of wood.
Little trees that flourished
All the year were there no more
But in a million houses
Dropped their needles on the floor.

And out of every cranny, cupboard,
Hiding place and nook,
Little bikes and kiddies' trikes
Were secretively took.
Yards of wrapping paper
Was rustled round about,
And bikes were wheeled to bedrooms
With the pedals sticking out.

Rolled up in Christmas paper
The Action Men were tensed
All ready for the morning
When their fighting life commenced,
With tommy guns and daggers
All clustered round about,
"Peace on Earth - Goodwill to Men"
The figures seemed to shout.

The church was standing empty
The pub was standing packed,
There came a yell, "Noel, Noel!"
And glasses they got cracked.
From up above the fire place
Christmas cards began to fall
And trodden on the floor, said:
A "Merry Christmas to you all."

back to top of page.

Subject: FW: PHARMACOLOGY... In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen, Aleve is also called Naproxen, Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


Message Subject:POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Carolinians, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "Hillbillies." You must now refer to us as Appalachian-Americans. And furthermore ....

How to speak about women and be politically correct:
1. She is not a "Babe" or a "Chick" - She is a "Breasted American."
2. She is not a "Screamer" or a "Moaner" - She is "Verbally Appreciative."
3. She is not "Easy" - She is "Horizontally Accessible."
4. She is not a "Dumb Blonde" - She is a "Light-Haired Detour Off The Information Super Highway."
5. She has not "Been Around" - She is a "Previously-Enjoyed Companion "
6. She is not an "Air head" - She is "Reality Impaired."
7. She does not get "Drunk" or "Tipsy" - She gets "Chemically Inconvenienced"
8. She does not have "Breast Implants" - She is "Medically Enhanced."
9. She does not "Nag" you - She becomes "Verbally Repetitive."
10. She is not a "Tramp" - She is "Sexually Introverted ."
11. She does not have "Major League Hooters" - She is "Pectorally Superior."
12. She is not a "Two-Bit Hooker" - She is a "Low Cost Provider."

How To Speak About Men And Be Politically Correct:
1. He does not have a "Beer-Gut" - He has developed a "Liquid Grain Storage Facility."
2. He is not a "Bad Dancer" - He is "Overly Caucasian."
3. He does not "Get Lost All The Time" - He "Investigates Alternative Destinations."
4. He is not "Balding" - He is in "Follicle Regression."
5. He is not a "Cradle Robber " - He prefers "Generational Differentional Relationships ."
6. He does not get "Falling-Down Drunk" - He becomes "Accidentally Horizontal"
7. He does not act like a "Total Ass" - He develops a case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion."
8. He is not a "Male Chauvinist Pig" - He has "Swine Empathy"
9. He is not afraid of "Commitment" - He is "Relationship Challenged."
10. He is not "Horny" - He is "Sexually Focused."
11. It's not his "Crack" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "Rear Cleavage"


A guy is 71 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog replied, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."


A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. "200 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied. "200!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?" "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock 20 off." "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to 100." "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?" "It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 20. But it will be traumatic." "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman."Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"




SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!


TWO GUYS AT A SUPERMARKET LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES:
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guys says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter.....let's look for yours;"


IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO MAKE A WOMEN HAPPY. A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician invent1
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm invent2
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent 31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
Without forgetting to: invent3
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
And at the same time you must:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.
It is very impotant to:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A GUY HAPPY:
1. Show up naked.
2. Bring food.
3. And beer.


COMMING FACE TO FACE WITH THE GRIM SWEEPER
There is a sanguine tale of a hospital somewhere in the UK where patients always died in the same bed, every Sunday about 11am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzeled the medical staff, some of whom even thought, although they wouldn't say so in anything above a whisper to their colleagues that it had something to do with the supernatural. a high powered team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents and the next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11am, allthe doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some, having given up science, were holding wooden crosses, hymn books, rosary beads, Tibetan prayer Wheels and other objects to ward off evil spirits. And then, as the clock struck 11, old Fred Smith, the part time Sunday cleaner entered the ward whistling a little 'Schubert', unplugged the life-support system and plugged in his vacuum cleaner.
(Source: retired members Association of NASUWT).


HOW MUCH IS THAT BARBIE?
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home and on his way home remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. he stops outside a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much is the barbie in the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have Work out Barbie for 19.95, Shopping Barbie for 19.95, Disco Barbie for 19.95 and Divorced Barbie for 265.95". The amazed father askes, " What? Why is the Divorced Barbie at 265.95 and all the others at 19.95?" The salesperson annoyingly answers; "Sir . . ., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Furniture, Ken's computer and . . . One of Ken's Friends".


FLIGHT TIME
On some air bases the military share one side of an air field with civilian aircraft the other side and have the control tower in between them. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What is the time?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does that make?" The tower answered, "It makes a lot of difference . . .
If you're a United Airline flight it's 3 o'clock.
If you're an Air force flight , it's 1500 hours.
If you're a Navy flight it's 6 bells.
If you're an Army flight, the big hand is in 12 and the little hand on the 3.
If you're a Marine Corps flight, it's Thursday afternoon.

FEMALE AND MALE LOGIC
A teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House", for instance, is feminine: "la casa", "pencil", however, is masculine: "el lapiz". A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'should it be masculine or feminine?" Instesd of answering, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to to decide for them selves and give four reasons for their reasoning.

The men's group decided that "computer" should be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to every one else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find your self spending half your pay on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine, ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do any thing with them younhave to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but can't think for them selves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Cathlic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and put it on the apple tray: "Take only one, God is watching". At the other end of the table was a large pile of sweets attached to which was a note written by one of the children: " Take all you want. God is watching the apples".

NEWSPAPER REPORTS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Artur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agreeit was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used during the explosion that destroyed his house". (The Daily Telegraph).

Police reveal that a women arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News).

At the height of the gale the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge with him. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening News).


SMILE AND THE WORLD SMILES WITH YOU
Smiling is infectious; you catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin
When he smiled I realised I'd passed it on to him.
I thought about that smile then I realised its worth,
A single smile, just like mine, could travel round the earth.
So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected
Let's start an epidemic quick and get the world infected.

back to top of page.

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

There's always a lot to be 'thankful' for if you take time to look for it.
Matter of fact, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.


An Elderly man in Queensland (Australia) had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten liter bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."


Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.




Subject: MEDICAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS
Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you nformed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.


A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had Another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."


One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

* television
* penicillin
* polio shots
* frozen foods
* Xerox
* contact lenses
* Frisbees and
* the pill

There were no:
* credit cards
* laser beams or
* ball-point pens

Man had not invented:
* pantyhose
* air conditioners
* dishwashers
* clothes dryers (clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh)
* man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing time shares.
We never heard of FM and digital radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam..
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a bus, and a Pepsi were all a few pennies.

In my day:
* "grass" was mowed,
* "coke " was a cold drink,
* "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
* "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
* "Aids" were helpers in the office,
* " chip" meant a piece of wood,
* "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
* "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am? I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock! He's only 59!

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? "
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?
The priest replied, " Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Paddy staggered home very late after an evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Bridget. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. The bottle of "Jameson" in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and rump. Bridget sat staring at him from across the room. She said, "Paddy McGuire, ye were drunk again last night, weren't ye?" Paddy said, "Why are ye accusin' me of such a thing?" "Ah, well," Bridget said, "it could be the open front door; it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could be yer bloodshot eyes; but mostly, I'm thinkin', it's all those Band-Aids stuck to the hall mirror."


1. Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message: "If you want to buy marijuana press the hash key.
3. A guy walks into a psychiatrist's consulting room wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you'r nuts".
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I coun't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said "You win, the steaks are too high".
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli - a strong current puule him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor I cant feel my legs!" "I know you can't" said the doctor "I've just cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police said that he topped himself.


INGLISH AROUND THE WORLD - (true notices):
Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food give it to the guard on duty.
Doctors office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Hotel, Acapulco: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn, trumpet him melodiously at first but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.
Nairobi resaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a women even a foreiner if dressed as a mam.
Hotel notice, Thailand: Please do not bring solicitors into your room.
Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chamber maid.


FELLOW TRAVELLERS
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business". I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish. Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

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